This was the first day I wasn't able to hold little Helena. She has an infection near her belly, where her wound is... and since the bandage was off, the nurse felt that maybe leaving her in her bed today would be best. She was given a dose of Morphine yesterday evening, and again last night, and again this afternoon. I'm glad they can treat her pain, but... I don't know.
Tommy and I just held her hand the entire visit today.
It was hard.
I am trying to focus on the positive, but it's so tough to see her every day and realize that it's going to be at least a month before we can bring her home. It's difficult to leave her every day, knowing she is going to be alone again... knowing that she doesn't have my arms wrapped around her, giving her hugs and kisses.
She cannot eat yet. She is being fed through IVs. Her tube going down to her belly is draining/sucking mucus/bile/blood from her stomach. They are giving her Zantac to help. It's so sad. What really gets to me is the pains she will feel in her belly from hunger, and we can't do anything about it. She won't be able to have my milk until her system gets on track, and her bowels start working. Fingers crossed it's soon...
There are positives, and I need to remember those. She is in the right place. Children's Hospital is taking good care of her. There are moments when she can open her eyes and look at us. She can hold our hands. She can breath on her own! She has good coloring. She made it full term, which I worried about throughout the entire pregnancy. I know this is such a small time in her life, and thankfully she is at the age where she will not remember it. I am very thankful for that! Still, it's hard to see your little girl go through all this.
I love her so much, and I cannot show her yet. I am praying for the day when we can take her home, and show her all the love and affection we have been giving her sister. All we can do is pray at her bedside, hold her hands, and sing/talk to her so at least she knows our voices.
We feel so lucky to have her and Alexandra. Speaking of little miss A... she is goofball. She is so active and vibrant, and she makes our days go by a little bit faster. She has been having a hard time seeing her parents come and go so much, but we're trying to keep to a schedule as best we can. She goes with Tommy to the hospital in the morning or evening. (Barb and Tommy will take turns with her while the other visits with Helena.)
I'm listening to her sweet little voice sing out in the bathtub, right now. (Grandma Barb is giving her a bath, and letting her play in the water.)
Alexandra... our first gift from God. She is talking a lot these days. She enjoys singing (Ring around the Rosie, ABCs, and Rock a Bye Baby) and watching Dora or Wow-Wow Wubzy or her DVD. She loves running down the hallway, and when she visits her sister, LOVES to greet everyone and wave "HI." She squeals in delight randomly, and loves to jump up and down and stomp her feet happily, she loves her "babies" and enjoys feeding her stuffed animals and her dolly. Her "bed" has her Alexandra pillow, her kitty cat, and her pink elephant... all of them she hugs on daily.
We're blessed and we know it. We've been surrounded by so many friends on a daily basis. My girlfriends take Alexandra for awhile so we get a few things done around the house, or just relax. (Today, Becki picked up Alexandra for a playdate with Hannah, Corinne, and Carissa.) Neighbors and friends have dropped off dinners for us, which has been a blessing because eating hasn't been a priority. We'll take care of Alexandra's meals, but when it comes to our own... well, sometimes we don't have time for that.
Tonight we actually sat down, all together, for a dinner... together! (Thanks Tonya!)
Words cannot express how thankful we are. I don't know how we would get by without all of you, and you know who you are. :)
Grandma Barb has been invaluable and truly a gift from God! (Alexandra LOVES her grandma! Have I mentioned that?!?) We've been able to see Helena whenever we want, my hosptial stay went by okay, I've been able to relax a bit from my c-section at home, Tommy has been able to return to work, sort of.
While things are never going to be "normal" again, our "normal" is slowly getting back to what resembles routine. It will take some time, and when grandma Barb goes home (*frown*), we'll have another stumbling block to overcome, and when Helena finally joins us at Mill Wind, we'll have yet another one too. (One that I wish would get here sooner, rather than later!)
I know we're going to survive, it's just a long road, one that will eventually come to end. The day we can all go to church together, and have dinner together, have meltdowns together, and watch T.V. together, scream and yell at each other ;), go to the park together ... as a family... THAT is the day I'm soooo looking forward to. I want to put all of this sadness behind us, and just get on with our crazy, crazy life.
We have a lot to be thankful for... we do... I just forget sometimes.
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